TODAY WE RECIEVED A NICE LETTER FROM OUR OLD FRIEND MARTHA STEWART WE JUST HAD TO SHARE WITH YOU. AND MARTHA, WE'LL SEE YA REAL SOON HONEY, HANG IN THERE.
Dear Free California:
After two weeks in prison, I have been pining for those tranquil days with you back in ’99. Santa Barbara seems like so long ago, I just had to write.
FC, strange as this may sound, the “hard-knock-life” has been great for me. Camp Cupcake? Right, more like Camp Canyon Ranch, I feel great! I have not been in this good of shape since I lived in Jersey. And, I’ve learned so much.
Obviously, prison is hard but really it’s not all that much different than Westport. It is, in a word, “clubby.” During the first 48 hours, I had to defend myself in 2 fights (which I lost, badly); an attempted rape by a guard (Ever heard of Keihl’s, Billybob?) and I my last carton of smokes got snatched. It's rough, but not so different from a night drinking with the ladies at the Colony Club, and there’s less smoking.
After that, I realized I had no choice to but to join a gang. I’d hoped to become prison mediator al a Ice Tea or Jim Brown but in the hole you’ve got to pick sides so I did. Just like home, the old Mayflower gangs are not what they used to be. So, it’s ethnic all the way for Mad Martha. How could I soil myself with Aryan Nations tattooing; what would my appeal lawyers think?
Anyhoo, I got invites to join all the best gangs: Latin Kings, Neta, Black Guerrilla Family, Mexican Mafia, La Nuestra Familia, and the Texas Syndicate. You name it; they all wanted little old me ;-). I may be in jail but I have not lost my touch! Oh, I feel like a debutante, again.
So, I weighed my options, creating a pro ‘n cons list as I always do, and eventually joined up with La Nuestra Familia. By coincidence, my old housekeeper Lupita has a niece on the inside and she pulled some strings so I could avoid the whole ritual initiation-thing. I don’t think I would have survived the “soap-in-a-sock” beating the other girls went through, bonus. Heck, I never even thought Lupita liked me but I guess the famous X-Mass gift basket I give the staff every year paid off after all.
My gang is the best. We get the best table at lunch and, now that I’m on board, its “good things” all the way, the best uniforms, we dominant medal shop (wait until you see the new NY License plates, there fabulous) and our parties have become the envy of the cellblock.
That's it for now, I really miss you FC. I think about our time together a lot and cannot wait until you visit me. As an added bonus I’ve attached a photo of my new self. I have been hitting the weights hard with my La Familia sisters and my 50 Cent prison-bod's rounding out nicely. Look at me! With my trey-chic henna tattoo, I’m like, J-Lo eat-your-heart-out! Worth your trip, I’d say.
Martha “Da Ghostface Baker” Stewart
Federal Women’s Correctional Camp
P.S. Can you send me 6 six cartons of America Spirits? I am desperately trying to barter for Chantal’s flowered drapes. Again, Kisses4ever.